Dances With Tripods

A husband wrote the following letter for his
wife and left it on the dining room table:


"To My Dear Wife,You will surely understand that
I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset -
I shall be back home before midnight."


When the man came home late that night he found
the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and
thank you for your honesty. About my being 54 years old. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to
inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18
years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of
math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Beachut is at it again.

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.  That would be no quality of life at all,  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
 
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
 
She's such a bitch.

I just saw on the news where a broadcaster made a remark about Tiger Woods, meant to be a bit of a joke and it was taken the wrong way  and now the debate is whether to fire the broadcaster (a female sports anchor) for making the remark.

She suggested the lynching of Tiger Woods (I believe to give other golfers a chance). She's been accused of making a racist remark.  I always thought lynching was about hanging or killing someone (anyone) before a jury found them guilty. When did it become a racial thing?

I am about to pick up my dad from the hospital and bring him home.  I'm convinced it's everyone's good wishes and thoughts that helped him.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're all awesome!

Just as I was about to leave to take my 82 yr. old father to the ER, we got a phone call from my aunt in MD.  My father's cousin and his wife were found shot to death in their home in Dover, Delaware.  I found this news article: http://www.nbc10.com/news/14966461/detail.html.

I had to leave my Pop at the ER to take care of another matter, so now I'm off to sit with him and see if the Drs. want to keep him there.  He has a lot of health issues and just wasn't feeling right and was worried he might be heading toward a heart attack.  The bad news didn't help, talk about bad timing.


Here's a photo of my father.

I accumulated over 40 friend requests, mostly from people I've never heard of or from.  I picked out the few I wanted to keep (and I think I had added them manually) and denied the rest.

If you sent a request and and we exchange comments, I sincerely apologize if I denied it, and please let me know!  I worry that I may have denied some that I shouldn't have.

I'm amazed at how many requests we all get from so many who never as much as say "hi". 

I hope everyone's New Year is off to a great start and that it gets better and better as you go along!

I sat down with intentions of writing a (hopefully) clever little ditty to post to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and to let all of you know how much I appreciate your visits, comments, compliments etc etc etc, as well as how I love watching the new images being posted, watching everyone share their lives and the world.

When I try to write poems (which, thankfully, isn't very often), I put down rhyming words from my thoughts first, then fill in the rest of the verse. I got that far but am out of time for this project, so I'll throw the words out there and you'll be able to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling.

Have fun with this, maybe you can come up with the verse(s)?  Here are my rhyming words:

Post, toast,

Treasure, pleasure

Tantalizing, fantasizing, mesmerizing, harmonizing

Dazzle, frazzle

Affectionately, family, merrily, lovingly

Fun, one, won

Found, around

Friend, blend,

Bright, delight

The following are for apologizing for all the mush I would have added:

Enough, stuff

Slurp, burp

Prep Time: 25 minutes

Cook Time: 15 minutes

Ingredients:

• 3 eggs, beaten
• 1/3 cup sugar
• pinch salt
• 2-1/2 cups whole milk
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 1 cup heavy whipping cream
• 3 Tbsp. powdered sugar
• 1/2 cup rum (or brandy) (optional)
• 1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg
  

Preparation:In a heavy saucepan, combine eggs, 1/3 cup sugar, and salt and beat with wire whisk. Gradually stir in milk, beating until mixture is smooth. Cook 10 to 15 minutes over medium heat stirring constantly, until mixture coats a metal spoon. Remove custard from heat and stir in vanilla.

Place saucepan in a large bowl of ice water until custard cools stirring frequently; then refrigerate custard until thoroughly chilled. In a large chilled bowl, combine heavy cream and powdered sugar. Beat until stiff peaks form. Stir in rum (if using), then fold whipped cream mixture into the cooled custard. Pour eggnog into serving bowl, and sprinkle with nutmeg. Serve immediately. 10 servings

***********************************************************************

Or, go to www.eggnogrecipe.net for more recipes.

Enjoy!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper mostly, sometimes a cute bag.
2. Tree; Real or Artificial? Artificial (I had real trees until about 5 yrs ago, I prefer them)
3. When do you put Christmas tree up? Anytime after Thanksgiving (once  I put the tree up Thanksgiving evening!)

4. When do you take the tree down? New Year's Day or a day or two after.
5. Like eggnog? Love it!! Especially with a little brandy and nutmeg.
6. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes
7. Favorite gift received as a child? Bicycle from my grandparents.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My father
9. Easiest person to buy for? My friend, Janice
10. Worst Christmas gift? A perfume set from my ex. (he had asked me if liked a certain perfume and I told him "not really". I got a full set with powder etc and it was very expensive. I think he had already bought it and didn't take it back.)
11. Mail or email a Christmas Card? Mail, for sure!
12. Favorite Christmas movie? “The Christmas Story” and “It's a Wonderful Life”
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? As I have the time and money.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes
15. Favorite food to eat on Christmas?  Fudge
16. Clear or colored tree lights? Clear
17. Favorite Christmas Song? “Little Drummer Boyt”.
18. Travel during Christmas or stay home? Stay at home usually
19. Store bought or homemade gifts? Both
20. Angel or Star on Tree top? Angel
21. Open presents on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve? With family on Christmas Eve, with friends on Christmas day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? It's become too commercial.
23. Bake at home or Buy? Bake
24. Lights outside? Absolutely!
25. Mistletoe? Oh yes!

I had never seen him before but he told me he just moved to Phoenix from Oregon 3 weeks ago (to be near his 26 yr old daughter he just found out he has) and just rented space in that house 1 1/2 weeks ago. The space he had was a converted storage room with a loft, more like a studio apt.  Wiring fell and overheated and caused the fire.  Everything he owns is ruined from smoke and water.

His daughter can't put him up because her space is too small and she doesn't have a job and can't afford to feed or help him.

Life sucks sometimes.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline, a Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

*************************************************************

That was emailed to me this evening. I'm not sure if it's amusing or pathetic. Pathetically amusing?  Amusingly pathetic?

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says," They're coming for Thanksgiving and they’re paying their own way."

 (Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 

Check your answers below:

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?    Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In w hich month do Russi ans celebrate the October Revolution?    November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?    Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?    Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?    New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

I apologize to all you men out there in Buzzland who don't deserve this.  It was emailed to me and I have to admit I found it quite amusing.

Fall Classes for Men at
  THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Oct 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
 Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
 Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

  Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

As posted by Reuters

I hadn't been asleep very long when I woke up to a very loud, yet strange noise. My four birds were going crazy in their cages, spooked from whatever was going on in the hallway outside my room.

The hall bathroom is across from my room and my son's room. The water pipe coming out of the wall that feeds the toilet tank blew off and sprayed water everywhere!!  My son opened his bedroom door and it sprayed him!  Talk about a rude awakening!!!

I had at least ¼” of water everywhere in my room/office and was freaking out cause the computer and all the cables are on the floor. I had ripped the carpet up a few weeks ago (thank God!!) except for under the desk and heavy furniture. That seemed to stop the water before it got to the computer case but the power strips were sitting in the water.  I’ve spent the past two hours with a wet/dry shop vac and the computer is now “up on blocks”.

Momcat freaked out and noticed the door to the patio was open and carried the kittens outside.  They wouldn't last long with our 110 + degree weather.

When I woke up it looked like it was snowing (feathers flying everywhere) and I got up and stood in water.  I thought I was dreaming.

I'm going to try again to get some sleep, I have an appointment in 5 hours.